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Srandičky v angličtine

Nika Nika

Nika je offline (nepripojený) Nika

This old woman, Myrna, was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband, Dean, spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
Dean said, "She also stole a can of peas

obrázok sa mi nepodarilo priložiť :-(
Naposledy upravil Nika : 23.03.07 at 19:23
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Fabiana Fabiana

Fabiana je offline (nepripojený) Fabiana

Breaking into a house
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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Fabiana Fabiana

Fabiana je offline (nepripojený) Fabiana

The whole world could be happy
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."

Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."

Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."
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Gabi03 Gabi03

Gabi03 je offline (nepripojený) Gabi03

Možno sa to hodí skôr do: čo mi prišlo e-mailom, ale myslím, že ten príbeh stojí za to si ho prčítať.... a nemusíte mi posielať nič späť.

He met her at a party. She was so beautiful, many guys were chasing after her, while he was so plain and simple, nobody paid attention to him.

At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but to be polite, she consented. They went to a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please, let me go home.... suddenly he asked the waiter..

"would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee."

Everybody stared at him, How strange! His face turned red, but still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it.

She asked him curiously; why you have salt in your coffee? He replied: "when I was a little boy, I lived near the sea, I like playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee.. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who still live there". While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.

That's his true feelings, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can share his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has ties to his home.

Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story.

They continued to date. She found that he was actually a man who meets all her demands; he had
tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed knowing him! Thanks to his salty coffee!

The story ended just like every beautiful love
story , the princess married the prince, then they lived happily ever after... And, every time she made coffee for him, she put some
salt in it, as she knew that's the way he liked it.

After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: "My dearest, please forgive me, I have been lying my whole life. This was the only lie I told you---the salty coffee.

Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt. It was hard for me to change it, so I just went ahead.I never thought that could be the start of our conversation! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you about anything. Now I'm dying, I'm afraid of nothing so I can tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste.. But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life!

Since I met you, I don't ever feel sorry for everything I did for you. " Having you with me is the biggest thrill of my whole life. If I can live a second time around, I would still want to know you and have you for the rest of my life,even though I have to drink the salty coffee again".
Her tears made the letter totally wet. One day, someone asked her: how did the salty coffee taste? It was very sweet, she replied.
Love is not to forget but to forgive, not to see but to understand, not to hear but to listen, not to let go but to HOLD ON !!!!

Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.
Tonight your true love will realize how much they love you, between 1 and 4 in the morning. Tomorrow the shock of your life will occur. If you break the chain you will have bad luck for 10 yrs if you don't pass this on to 15 people in 15 mins including the one from whom you got this..

Forget the things that make you sad .... Remember the things that make you glad.
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Gabi03 Gabi03

Gabi03 je offline (nepripojený) Gabi03

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed.

We serve the needy, not the greedy...



Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it
today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...




Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday
and women will bleed to death.



Q: What is the similarity between
a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but
become tasteless and shapeless later




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Gabi03 Gabi03

Gabi03 je offline (nepripojený) Gabi03

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the


door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He ask s the lady 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and
he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened
for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned
voice' Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows
up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide
behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer
yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She
nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do
you have vagina'.......'Yes' she says......The man replies.. 'Good! Would
you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
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Gabi03 Gabi03

Gabi03 je offline (nepripojený) Gabi03

[1]

Regular naps prevent old age,
especially if taken while driving.

[2]

Having one child makes you a parent;
having two, a referee.

[3]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right
the other being the husband!

[4]

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile.
I've tried - but they wanted cash.


[5]

Marriage is give and take relation
give willingly coz she'll take it anyway.

[6]

My wife and I always compromise.
I admit I'm wrong and she always agrees .

[7]

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,
he still ends up with the same boss.

[8]
Saving is the best thing.
especially when your parents have done it for you.

[9]

Wise men talk because they have something to say;
fools talk because they have to say something

[10]
They call our language the mother tongue
because father seldom gets the chance to utter !

[11]

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[12]

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins.

[13]

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[14]

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage.
Is suicide better than being murdered?

[15]

There is only one perfect child in the world
and every mother has it.

[16]

There is only one perfect wife in the world
and every neighbor has it
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Gabi03 Gabi03

Gabi03 je offline (nepripojený) Gabi03

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy

Therefore:
Human - enjoy = Donkey + Work

In other words,
A Human that doesn’t know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ ++ ++
Equation 2
Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money

Therefore:
Man - earn money = Donkey

In other words
Man who doesn’t earn money = Donkey

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
Equation 3
Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman – spend = Donkey

In other words,
Woman who doesn’t spend = Donkey

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
To Conclude:
From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Man who doesn’t earn money = Woman who doesn’t spend
So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!

So, We have:
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money

Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude

Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

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Nella_2 Nella_2

Nella_2 je offline (nepripojený) Nella_2

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.
Rum and ice will ruin your liver.
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.
Gin and ice will ruin your brain.
Coke and ice will ruin your teeth.
Apparently Ice is REALLY bad for you!!!
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avalik avalik

avalik je offline (nepripojený) avalik

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
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Slayer666 Slayer666

Slayer666 je offline (nepripojený) Slayer666





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KoxXxo KoxXxo

KoxXxo je offline (nepripojený) KoxXxo

A: Hello, are you there?
B: Yes, who are you, please?
A: I'm Watt.
B: What's your name?
A: Watt's my name.
B: Yes, what's your name?
A: My name is John Watt.
B: John what?
A: Yes, are you Jones?
B: No, I'm Knott.
A: Will you tell me your name then?
B: Will, Knott.
A: Why not?
B: My name is Knott.
A: Not what?
B: Not Watt, Knott.
A: What?
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Gabi03 Gabi03

Gabi03 je offline (nepripojený) Gabi03

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
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Tweety Tweety

Tweety je offline (nepripojený) Tweety

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afrikánka afrikánka

afrikánka je offline (nepripojený) afrikánka

.
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Chobot Chobot

Chobot je teraz online Chobot

avalik
T.....

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
A takto nejako vznikla holandština.....
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vicktor vicktor

vicktor je offline (nepripojený) vicktor

ja si myslim, ze normalny clovek (moja manzelka nie celkom suhlasi) ...viac
A general practitioner doctor is examining a senior man:
Mr. Benson, I said that I needed to hear your heart, NOT FART!
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Mária27 Mária27

Mária27 je offline (nepripojený) Mária27

3 0
Tweety Tweety

Tweety je offline (nepripojený) Tweety

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Mária27 Mária27

Mária27 je offline (nepripojený) Mária27

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